Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris—more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris—robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Don’t worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity, then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is his way.
Macon Pops, the world-class contemporary orchestral organization, went “Pop Goes Messina” recently and dazzled an enthusiastic audience at the Macon City Auditorium during the final staging of their 2013/14 inaugural season. Featured artist for the performance was country star Jo Dee Messina. The evening included dancing, scrumptuous catered tapas, and great music! The concert opened…
A new place that recently opened in Central Georgia, Twang: Southern Tastes & Sounds, is the culmination of a series of serendipitous events for co-owners Tori DeGraw Jennings and her husband, Jerry Jennings. The Jennings are a newly-married couple, as well as new business owners and their new business is helping to revitalize enterprise in…
The following list was part of a Charlotte (NC) visitor’s bureau ad that appeared in the Travel section of USAToday. 1 » Billy Graham Library 2 » Scarowinds 3 » Harvey B. Gantt Center for African-American Arts & Culture 4 » Lowe’s Motor Speedway 5 » Discovery Place 6 » Belk Theater 7 » Carolina…
Some years ago, I frequented Limelight, a dance club on the upper northwest side of Atlanta. On one particular Saturday afternoon, the place was charged in anticipation of a rare live performance by Grace Jones, the contralto pop diva. It was an exciting time for those of us who loved to dance because disco was…
The band that put the Metal in Heavy Metal returns with one of their heaviest albums yet. It is a return to the early days of Metallica, resembling their first album, Kill ‘Em All. Unlike their albums of the past decade, there isn’t a single mellow song on this new release. It is simple flat…